To publish or not to publish?

Two days ago (August 18) was the one year anniversary of my beautiful daughter, Olivia (f16), going to Heaven. I've been debating whether or not to publish my journal online from the past year, or at least the grief parts.  Grief bleeds into every aspect of life, though, so it's not without the drama of my "normal" life.  I can't really separate that; a normal life and a grief life.  Now it is just before death and after death.  But would it help anyone to read my "journey" through the year? 

Truth is hard.  Truth hurts.  But truth sets you free, right? "Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." John 8:32 KJV.  I try not to be a liar.  But maybe by omission I am one. I keep things inside because I don't want to hurt anyone around me.  And why should I let my emotions bleed all over someone else?  Feelings change and they certainly aren't facts.  Writing them is my way of releasing the negativity and intensity of the feelings that weigh me down.  We just never know how words will be received.  You can't trample all over someone else's truth and right to feel their own emotions, fact or not. Can you be authentic though, if you censor yourself? 

For most of the year, I've been numb and asleep.  Crying and shaking my fists at God. Stillness.  So much stillness.  There isn't an ounce left of hurry in me. Everything is slow and intentional.  But everything is also overanalyzed and questioned.  Where there is good, there is also bad.  Everything all in the same package.  Rest became isolation. Slowness became lazy.  Nourishment became gluttony.  Like the flip of a switch.  The light versus the dark.  Oh how it changes perspective. I want the light to be on, always.  I now try to ask of everything, "Will this please God?"  It tilts the scales back to goodness.  

My days are filled with lament, like those of the Psalms.  I cry out to God and ask, "Why Lord?" and finish with his praise.  He is the reason I get to see her, again.  He is a good Father, and He knows my pain.  "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18 NIV  Without God, I dare say I'd have made it through this year.  When I was on the floor in pieces, I have no doubt He was holding me in His hands.  I know He can handle my anger and my lamenting.  I also don't believe He intends for me to hurt.   

But the world has made the suffering real.  Every day still feels wrong.  I am still missing a huge part of myself. There will forever be a hole in my heart. There is a burning pit in my stomach that hasn't gone away in the past year.  I still sob often and at unexpected moments.  The gut punches keep coming as I realize "she's gone" again and again.  Every day is an internal war of relying on my God and wondering how I can put my trust in the one who allowed so much hurt to fall on me.  Every day is lonely. Every day I am an outsider looking in to a world I just don't fit in, anymore. Every day is a journey for joy that leaves me empty handed. 

I hope one day I'll be able to live and love like my Livvy did.